THE MSD LADIES
A Web Series and Blog
A Web Series and Blog
And that’s why you drink to feel nothing #single
You only see your therapist once a week. #divorced
Ellie’s Marriage Test #1:
You’ve found your Prince Charming (at a bar—at work—online), and you’ve pinterest-ed the shit out of what y’alls Happily Ever After is gonna look like. But before you get engaged, make sure you can handle him at his worst. You’re signing a contract with the man, not the Disney rendering of your future together. It’s time for Marriage Test #1.
Before walking down the aisle, every couple should be required to survive at least one trip from hell. ‘Cause let’s face it: When you get married, you are signing on to be each other’s “plus one” at every funeral, reunion, and cousins wedding from now until the nursing home.
The easiest way to orchestrate a trip from hell is to visit family, preferably over Thanksgiving. See how he reacts when your flight is delayed or the airline loses his luggage. Can he laugh off your Aunt’s ass-grabbing? Does he compliment your mom’s stuffing or does he compare it to his own mother’s? After your brother pours your lover his eighth glass of wine –does he get in a heated political debate and hurl all over the room or delicately pass out on the bathroom floor like a gentleman? Will he sit at attention like he’s at Carnegie Hall when your father brings out your dance recital tapes? Does your family take you aside and whisper –Don’t screw this one up. It took me awhile to realize that it was a good thing that my family liked him more than they like me.
Go on a road trip. Does he let you drive and never asks you to pump gas? Will he turn off the A/C when you’re freezing - or - does he tell you to put on a sweatshirt? Can you stand him after he gulps down an x-large gas station coffee and becomes a caffeine-induced chatterbox as you pass through the southwest? Can he handle a This American Life marathon?Can you share a motel bathroom after a day of gas station burritos and beef jerky? Does he at least light a match? Then it might be true love.
Once my husband and I stayed in an Amarillo motel that was such a dump that our dog walked in, sniffed the stained shag carpet, and preceded to take a huge dump. When we woke up the next morning and lovingly checked each other for bed bugs before hitting the road, I knew we had a shot at lasting love.
Hot dog in a wall. You’re welcome.
Nice #Mugshot @theorlandojones
Deep thoughts by @ellieinla
Even occupied bathrooms gotta rub it in.
Courtesy of @kkfez
This blog featured on The Rumpus is SO GOOD. It includes a list of Do’s and Dont’s for dating, including:
1. Do not date the man who only ever wears Christmas-themed boxer shorts. It is not a “passing phase.” He is not “asserting” anything. It may seem cute to you at first—how you’ll stock up at Gap at Christmas so you can gift him with a reindeer print in June—but it’ll grow tiresome with age.
2. For reasons I cannot explain, walk away from the man who mentions Bob Dylan on your first date. I will defend this only by saying that I, too, think he’s great. But for whatever reason, this is a sign. “He’s, like, my idol,” he might say, or, “He got me into writing,” or, “He got him into love.” “He’s kind of like my Jesus,” he’ll say, and you need to roll your fucking eyes. It doesn’t make any sense, but this seems a universal shortcut I’ve worked out so you don’t have to.
3. Do not date a man who tells you your “future selves” are incompatible.
4. If he fetishizes poets.
5. If he’s never left the state.
6. Trust him if he’s good with dogs.
7. And especially with kids.
8. Never, ever take back the man who once took you to look at Christmas lights and then broke up with you beside a cornfield. The drive home, remember, was awkward, and he broke up you because why? Because you reminded him of his father. It was December, for Christ’s sake, just two weeks before the holiday, so no matter how much he begs—no matter how fiercely he claims he’s changed—do not let that man back in. You know enough to know: a man who dumps you while looking at Christmas lights is kind of a shitty, fucking person who is not worthy of your love.
9. Be especially dismissive if, years later, that man writes a “fictionalized” account of said-dumping for a literary journal in which he takes on the persona of the wounded, troubled man, jaded by childhood ambivalence in a house with line-dried clothes. He was doing you, he’ll write, a favor.
10. Most especially peace the fuck out if that man doesn’t tell you about that story first, and instead you must read it for yourself in a public bookstore in New York City, and you’ll do your best not to cry, but you are you, after all, and it ruins the sleeve of your favorite sweater. It had little turtles on it, even.
11. Do not date the man who tells you it’s unsexy that you drink beer and like to watch football on rainy Sundays. It’s the Lord’s day, after all, but most of all, “it’s awfully masculine.” Be a badass and watch that game in absolute defiance of ‘femininity.’ A real woman does what she wants.
12. Be wary of a man whose Dinner Making Ratio is greater than 3:1. You should never, evermake a fourth meal until your date’s cooked one for you. (Note: it doesn’t particularly matter what he makes—grilled cheese or peanut butter spread over crackers—because the point is he did the work. The point is consideration. Helping someone with their life. Being an active, contributing person who considers others’ needs.)
13. While we’re on the subject of ratios, note the Writer-Reading dynamic should be no greater than 1:1. Do not read his manuscript unless he offers to read yours. Otherwise, you’ll eventually find yourself reading his novel five times in a row, making line edits and drawing hearts, drawing smiley faces over lines you love, and he’ll only ever steal your notes and never read your four page essay. And you can forget about “Acknowledgements.” Your name will not appear.
14. If he’s a writer—and of course he is—do not fall in love with him as a narrator. They’re often markedly different people.
15. Do not—if you’re listening to me at all—date the man who fears emotional intimacy, because intimacy is the most important thing and you know this and you have known this since you were five years old in that muggy waterpark, watching that man with so much hair embrace the woman who loves him most. Do not lose faith in love just because you’re getting older, or because here is yet another birthday, or because you’re spending your days with pillows and a box of Snyder’s pretzels. Do not give up on the Romantic Vision. Love is special, and so, too, is intimacy, and it is scary but no less necessary, and forming a genuine human connection is the most important thing.